American Idol v1

Today is a great day. It’s the first night of American Idol. I have been waiting on this day for almost six months. So, I get ready. I put my iPhone and Blackberry far away because I need to concentrate. First up is Boston. Within the first 10 minutes we have our first crier. Come on people. MAN UP! This is not a crying game. And plus, who sounds good while singing? We get Victoria Beckham on the scene. I am a bit disturbed by the lace on her head. Did her garter get caught up or something? It just looks weird. First contestant is Janet. Janet cannot sing, keeps jumping, and apparently shrunk her shirt in the dryer because it doesn’t cover her gut. She sings some song about a pocket full of sunshine. It’s more like a pocket full of shame. Then we have Maddy. She will be known as the girl with the Down’s Syndrome siblings. Pat Ford shows up yelling about ‘Holla’. His last name is Ford but his first name aint Frankie and aint nobody ‘holla-ing’ back.

A bit later we get Mr. Jersey Shore..sorry, I mean this Italian dude who had way too much male bonding excitement. Ms. Kimono flew in and tried to make herself cry. Let me check. Wait. Wait. There it is....no. I lied. No tears. Luke came and saved the day followed by Benjamin. Andrew, however, kills the mood. For the first time ever, I regret my new TV purchase. His eyes were so big on this TV it scared me. He tried to be sarcastic but only proved why he is an unemployed musician. I was done with him until Kara said she wanted to give him a spanking? Really, Kara? This is primetime not Real Sex!

Ashley sings Alicia Keyes and gets a 3.25 on a 5 point scale. Her shoes, however, get a 5! 70s guy Tyler comes with both arms in braces trying to get a sympathy vote. Luckily he can sing because we are done with sympathy and empathy. Lisa tried to sing Vision of Love but it ended up being a Vision of Hate. They show an Asian guy who I am pretty sure was staged. I refuse to believe he is really there to sing. But, when all else fails, Mike Davis comes in and saves the day with a 3.5. He is followed by Katie, AKA Alzheimer's granddaughter. She also doesn’t need a sympathy vote because she gets the highest vote of the night with a 3.75. Joshua just sounds pretty and Boso (AKA The Nigerian) both perform pretty good. Between them was Nerberto. Not only can he not sing, he has on a sequence vest. Yes. He did. Anyway, back to Bosa. I am pretty sure he is Akeem from Zamunda and his dad is King Jaffe.

We end the show with Antwon. One look at Antwon and I saw church. They dont show him sing but he calls his own benediction at the end with a resounding YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. I was ready for the rest of the contestants to help him out but I am thinking they arent COGIC. I was with Antwon. I really liked Antwon. But. It’s always a but. But, he blew it at the end. As he is leaving, he jumps into the air with a perfect split. Choir director?