Irritated

I find myself in an uncomfortable position. I am irritated. The issue is finding the source of this irritation. Is it because my allergies are keeping me from resting? Is it because I was awaken from a semi-sleep with great promises? Is it because people are truly showing who they really are this weak (not a misspelling)? Is it because my mother's last day of work at Chrysler was yesterday? Is it because my brother is attempting to manage the pain of losing a dear friend? Or, better yet, could it be it is after midnight and I am hungry. Nope, that couldn't be it (it probably is).

There are many things I am not (or attempt not to be). I am not:

• ignorant
• false
• unworthy
• uneducated
• mean
• inconsiderate
• vindictive
• uncaring
• void of compassion
• talent-less
• manipulative
• coveter
• selfish
• unethical
  

to name a few.

One of the main goals in my life is to be transparent. What you see is what you get? I do not like people attempting to pull the strings of situations/people to fit their personal agendas. I do not like to see people fight for something meant for them, only to be held back due to the selfish motives of others. I want people to know why I make the decisions I make. I want people to understand the purpose of my actions. I desire my words to be precursors of my actions. They must be seamless. They must coincide with each other. If they don't, I fail. I fail to reach the goal of Him which has created me.

Each day more and more people are striving for things which should be easily accessible. People are waking up without food, water, and even required medications. People are home sick and dying due to the inability to afford healthcare. People who wok everyday attempt to stay 'legit' in a word of corruption. People are suffering from the abuse and pain afflicted by other hurt people who suffered from the hurt and pain of other hurt people (I pray you followed that). Some people are so blind by their own situations (understandably), they are oblivious to the smoldering world around them.

I pray I am never so consumed with me I fail to see you.

I pray in my search to get to where I am, I didn't step on someone's dream, destiny, plan or goal. I pray the paths I have taken have been those created for me, not those created by me. I pray my fight to deliverance did not leave someone still in the ring. In all my giving, I pray I gave to the right people, at the right times, in the right seasons. Only then will I receive back. No, I do not want back what I gave. It wasn't meant for me. I want more of Him. More of what He wants for my life.

I desire to be relevant. My goal is to forever be linked to my power source so others may plug in, get the needed power to continue their course. I never want to find an alternative source. A hybrid won't do. I need the real thing. The needs I have cannot be satisfied with money, position, titles, food, sex, travel, or even a smile. These needs only come through deep internal revelation of who I am. Not who Rita is. Rita is unimportant. It's who is in Rita which matters. Who gives the direction. Who provides the resources. Who leads the way. I must be so in-tune with the Who in me I am never thwarted. I must be focused on the Who so the 'hows' matter not. It's only then, when the Who is in me matched with His own power, am I able to create continue to keep doors open so others may follow and/or find the inspiration to open their own.

It matters not the plans and methods of others. It matters not how pure the intentions are. It matters not the conversations and schemes meant to alter the course. The course I run has already been ran for me. I am just following the leader.

And guess what happens in the end? Irritation gone.

Good night.