American Idol v2

Okay. Night two and we are in Atlanta. A couple of things which are sure to be different from Boston: Black people and drama. I know someone is going to get arrested. Let’s see who it will be. Mary J Blige is the guest judge and Dawone Robinson is up first. I am questioning the age limit. Maybe it’s the fro or the shirt or the dancing or ….well, something isn’t right. No, it’s the pleated pants. Oh no. He is going to sing an original song. His song is called “Lady we are not together anymore”. Now we know why. Moving on. This next dude said he was good at the high notes. He got the ‘high’ part right. Keia Johnson in to save the day. Of course she is from Memphis but the colors and hair scared me. The voice made me smile. Maybe by the time she gets to Hollywood someone will donate some human hair weave.Wait, all the people who came with her and they couldn’t get enough money for human hair! I am done.

Miriam sounded good as well by I felt a Twilight spirit when she opened her month. Noel brought it home too but Tisha Holland from Riverdale, GA made me sit up. Not only did she have good human hair weave, she could sing! Who else could sing? Jermaine Sellers! I am sure some of you are saying to yourself, ‘That name sounds familiar’. You are correct. Jermaine was 4th runner up on BET Sunday Best competition the first season. He has been on Bobby Jones and a Celebration of Gospel. Check out his MySpace at http://www.myspace.com/jermainesellers. Oh yeah, Jermaine represented gospel well. Thanks. Oh, and Mary said ‘anointed’.

What’s the 411? It’s not Christy Marie. She tried to sing Pat Benatar. What good can we say about her audition? I loved her style. The colors were on point and she rocked the jeans with stilettos. Who was definitely not wearing stilettos? Vanessa Wolf from Vonore, TN. After watching this country girl say she is trapped in her small town, I was happy she was wearing shoes. After the judges gave her the golden ticket, you know what happened? Clarence cried. Dang, I guess I gotta support her too. Wait. She is running away and guess what? She has no shoes on. I knew it!

What else did I know? That Jesse Hamilton should have stayed in the woods. How can you come to AI and not remember your song? And did he just have a minor breakdown? No, that’s Mary. And is he asking the judging to start the song for him? He is. Wait. He is from Anniston. I love Anniston. If you ever go, check out Top of the River. The food is on point. Wait. As if Anniston was not enough, we have Holly from Rockmart. Now, let me let you on a secret. I use to live about 5 minutes from Rockmart and what do I have to represent us? A girl dressed as a guitar. Thanks, Holly.

Lathan, who I am unable to determine male or female, leads the back of bad singers in the next segment. Mallorie breaks the cycle but Mary J is looking like ‘please, no more country!’. If you don’t believe me, look at the clip. But, forget watching Mary J. You must watch Skybos..Ski…Skii…whatever. Antonio! He cant spell his name but at least he can sing. He said it’s a package deal because he runs a Dollar Store. Ha ha ha ha ha. More funny than that was the look on Carmen’s face when she watched her BFF, Lauren, audition. Carmen knew that girl couldn’t sing. But who could sing? Brian Walker! That PO PO came on there and sung him some Superstar! But how are you going to have a bald spot and a mohawk at the same time?

So, go from a really good high moment to a really really low moment in Lamar Royal. Its like watching someone cars driving no black ice. You know its not going to wreck but you watch anyone. He actually had good but his Tourette’s Syndrome took over. Okay, he is arging with the judges and still singing. La la la la la la. That song will never be the same for me. He has killed it. He is going to get arrested. I see it coming. There they go. Security is there. I knew it! But the people clapping from the car did it!

We are in the last minutes of the show and we have General Pants..sorry, I mean Platts. He has a good message: Pants on the ground. Pants on the ground. Looking like a fool with your pants on the ground. With that gold in your mouth, hat turned to the side. Looking like a fool with your pants on the ground. Yep. That’s the song. How much you want to bet he will be on the finale singing this song. Sing it with me America! Pants on the ground. Looking like a fool with your pants on the ground. With that gold in your mouth, hat turned to the side. Looking like a fool with your pants on the ground.

Celebration of Gospel review (this aint church yall)

The unofficial theme for Celebration of Gospel 2010 is ‘Bringing the Sexy Back!’. The show started off with Fred Hammond. It seems he has finally accepted his hair lost and cut it off. Kelly Price came on stage and she seems to have embraced her hips because she has plenty of them. Gotta love a woman confident in whom she is. As always, Shirley Caesar blessed us with her presence for a ‘remix’ of Awesome God. After a break Steve Harvey takes the stage. It seems he is finally comfortable in his role as host and brought the ‘world’ to the church. Well, that’s not true. There isn’t a big difference anymore. Sidenote: I am getting tired of hearing Steve talk about how surprised people are he is hosting a gospel show. Why would anyone be surprised? We see hypocrites everyday. I didn’t mean that. Yes I did. No, I didn’t. That was mean. He’s not really a hypocrite. Well, is he? We will discuss later! I digress!

Back to the show. Yolanda declared she has the Victory and she was the poster child for being the sexy back to the church. I like Yolanda. She doesn’t make any excuses for who she is, what she does, or how she acts. I still don’t know if she had on a sweater or a dress but either way, it was cute. After Yolanda performed Anthony Hamilton and wife made their COG debut. Hmmmm. As the song says, Better! Speaking of better, what the heck was Bobby Jones thinking? Why was he out there with that mess on? Looked like a choir director trying to escape the bubblewrap closet. Punt intended. Now, for the most ridiculous part of the show: did anyone ever find out what the heck Y’anna Crawley had on? It’s a purple bedazzled Star Trek ensemble. I was always taught when one is ministering not to have anything distracting to ensure people don’t get caught up in things. I was caught up in those shoulder missiles on her dress.
To try to redeem the show Kelly Price and Ledisi come out to sing ‘How Great Thou Art’. Kelly was bringing the sexy back a bit too in a pant suit. It was tailored to a perfect fit. It hit wanted it needed and everything stayed in place. It seemed for a moment Ledisi didn’t do her homework on Kelly. She seemed shocked at Kelly’s vocal abilities. I refuse to call either one a beast. Sidenote: When did the church begin the label everything with a negative title. Beast, bad, sick, etc. Again, I digress.

BeBe and CeCe did not attempt to bring sexy back. Yall know CeCe is too anointed for that foolishness. Can we have a bible study? Prayer meeting? A healing service? If so, CeCe will show up. Fashion show anyone? No, call Vicki for that one. If you need a pretty good youth group you can call the next group. I cant think of their name but they are very….choreographed. What is not choreographed is Pastor Shirley. No matter how crazy the show tries to get, they ensure Pastor Shirley shows up to keep things legit. She is probably the reason the show is still on. Someone has to be praying. Speaking of praying, James Fortune encouraged us to trust God. The song is great but I got distracted by his background singers. One girl put on a sho nuff show for the cameras. I hope Tyler Perry was watching. She did her audition. They brought Fred Hammond back to remind us to wait on the Lord.

Up next is the award for performance of the show: Fantasia and her mother. Now, we all know Fantasia can sing. She starts the song by removing her shoes. Now, maybe its me but if I am going to spend that much money on some shoes, I am going to wear them. Oh, I digressed again. Well, since I started, let me finish. When will people stop straddling the fence? We all know its not as much money in gospel as R&B but I believe God will keep you when you stay in His will. Fantasia will do good in gospel with a few lessons. Lesson number one: when you wear a dress above your needs, keep both feet on the ground unless you picking them up and putting them down in a dance. Thank goodness for a good camera angle because we missed a very obscene view of her special places. Okay, moving on.

Does anyone know how old Rance Allen is? How can he still hit those notes? But, I think I have it figured it. I think one night Rance was at GE Patterson’s church singing and forgot the words. He didn’t want Bishop upset with him so he started making up weird sounds in place of the forgotten words. Everyone liked it so he kept it. Listen to him. You will see for yourself. After Rance was done, I was done. I can listen to Tye but I cannot watch Tye. I have an issue when worship must be choreographed. Now, don’t get me wrong. You want things to look right and there is a theatrical portion of music which is needed but where is the line? I fast forward.

Now, I dedicate this paragraph to Steve Harvey. 1 Corinthians 13:11 says When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Steve has had an encounter with favor and blessings and its real to him. He went on TBN and talked to Donnie about his transforming life. He talked about how the church talks down on him and doesn’t understand his struggle. I feel him on that. Peoeple would be surprised if they knew what really went on in the lives of pastors, leaders, and public figures So, Donnie is singing ‘We fall down’. What is Steve doing? You guessed it! Steve is crying. Luke 9:62 says "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." This means once you know better and step up to do His work, if you turn your back, you are not fit to serve God. Well. Wait. Let me stop. Marvin is singing. Marvin said ‘It doesn’t matter what I did for He only sees me for who I am’. Okay, Marvin. I got you. God loves us in spite of ourselves. Although He loves us doesn’t negate our responsibility to do better once we know better. Okay, wait. Steve is crying again. He should be crying. I would be crying to. We all fall short of the glory but guess what? We get up and keep trying. I hope he remembers that during his next performance. Pray for him. Oh, and pray for those shoes his wife had one. I cant decide how I feel about them. Hmmmm.

Donald Lawrence ends the show with be reminding us to get back to Eden. Now, I have thought about that. Eden was good for a while but I need to know what part of Eden we will be going back to. I want to go pre-Eve vs Serpent Eden. You can keep that ‘post-serpent’ Eden. Okay, I am done good people. The show was good. Yolanda and sisters brought sexy back, Kelly Price reminded us she still has it, BeBe & CeCe kept it holy, Pastor Shirley took us to church, Steve didn’t cuss, and at the very end..when everything seemed okay…Steve cried again!

American Idol v1

Today is a great day. It’s the first night of American Idol. I have been waiting on this day for almost six months. So, I get ready. I put my iPhone and Blackberry far away because I need to concentrate. First up is Boston. Within the first 10 minutes we have our first crier. Come on people. MAN UP! This is not a crying game. And plus, who sounds good while singing? We get Victoria Beckham on the scene. I am a bit disturbed by the lace on her head. Did her garter get caught up or something? It just looks weird. First contestant is Janet. Janet cannot sing, keeps jumping, and apparently shrunk her shirt in the dryer because it doesn’t cover her gut. She sings some song about a pocket full of sunshine. It’s more like a pocket full of shame. Then we have Maddy. She will be known as the girl with the Down’s Syndrome siblings. Pat Ford shows up yelling about ‘Holla’. His last name is Ford but his first name aint Frankie and aint nobody ‘holla-ing’ back.

A bit later we get Mr. Jersey Shore..sorry, I mean this Italian dude who had way too much male bonding excitement. Ms. Kimono flew in and tried to make herself cry. Let me check. Wait. Wait. There it is....no. I lied. No tears. Luke came and saved the day followed by Benjamin. Andrew, however, kills the mood. For the first time ever, I regret my new TV purchase. His eyes were so big on this TV it scared me. He tried to be sarcastic but only proved why he is an unemployed musician. I was done with him until Kara said she wanted to give him a spanking? Really, Kara? This is primetime not Real Sex!

Ashley sings Alicia Keyes and gets a 3.25 on a 5 point scale. Her shoes, however, get a 5! 70s guy Tyler comes with both arms in braces trying to get a sympathy vote. Luckily he can sing because we are done with sympathy and empathy. Lisa tried to sing Vision of Love but it ended up being a Vision of Hate. They show an Asian guy who I am pretty sure was staged. I refuse to believe he is really there to sing. But, when all else fails, Mike Davis comes in and saves the day with a 3.5. He is followed by Katie, AKA Alzheimer's granddaughter. She also doesn’t need a sympathy vote because she gets the highest vote of the night with a 3.75. Joshua just sounds pretty and Boso (AKA The Nigerian) both perform pretty good. Between them was Nerberto. Not only can he not sing, he has on a sequence vest. Yes. He did. Anyway, back to Bosa. I am pretty sure he is Akeem from Zamunda and his dad is King Jaffe.

We end the show with Antwon. One look at Antwon and I saw church. They dont show him sing but he calls his own benediction at the end with a resounding YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. I was ready for the rest of the contestants to help him out but I am thinking they arent COGIC. I was with Antwon. I really liked Antwon. But. It’s always a but. But, he blew it at the end. As he is leaving, he jumps into the air with a perfect split. Choir director?