Lessons about relationships

Church on Sunday was extremely educational. So much so I have discussed the details with anyone who would listen. Because the information was so relevant, I am including it in my blog today. I make no claims to any of this information.

Disclaimer: Any of these characterizations of men and women can be interchangeable. For instance, a woman can go into a cave.
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When issues arise, men compartmentalize (put in a box) situations and issues.

• If a man's manhood is challenged (perceived or real and a woman uses her woman card (I know he wont hit me), the man must redefine what manhood is. He must learn to RUN away.

Without the correct definition of what a man is, he may respond in the wrong way when challenged. No matter if provoked, the response is still wrong if its harmful (verbal or physical or emotionally)

No one should be provoked to wrath

• Women should not follow him to make him deal with it (this provokes the man)
• Men should not leave the issue in the box (this provokes the woman)

Think about this: When was the last time a woman has ever seen another man confront her man, block him from leaving a room, or step to his face to yell, scream, or fight? Men do not challenge other men. Likewise, a woman should never put herself in the position of a man to control, challenge, or provoke her man. This will cause him to either redefine what being a man is (not being physical) or react in a verbal or physical manner.

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Women want to work until resolution or an action plan is in place. Women want to know WAWGTD (what are we going to do). Not knowing the answer to this affects a woman emotions, health, and sex life.

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 The way a man interprets love, his primary needs, and his motivations are via respect.

• If a man does not feel respected, a negative energy of shame overcomes him.
• When a man feels shame, his thoughts are centered around 'something is wrong with me'.
• Men deal with shame through suppression, ignoring the issue, denying the issue, anger, or isolation

The way a woman interprets love, her primary needs, and her motivations are via security.

• If a woman does not feel loved, a negative energy of fear overcomes her.
• When a woman becomes fearful, she attempts to take control of the situation.

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When issues arise in a relationship, they should be handled in like manner:

Issue ----> Dialogue for resolution ---->Action plan

If there is a disagreement:
Option #1:
Issue ----> Disagreement ----> PAIN ----> Gain self control

• When a situation becomes a disagreement, pain is revealed
• the pain is not related to the current disagreement
• the pain appears because past circumstances have proven a person cannot be trusted to resolve or follow through

Option #2:
Issue ----> Disagreement ----> PAIN ----> Cave ----> Gain self control

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The CAVE:

• When men do not want to deal with pain (fear or disrespect), they retreat to the cave to gain self control
• The cave can be food, internet, the gym, tv, alcohol, drugs, etc
• If a man stays in the cave too long, it can result is addiction or affairs
• When a man wants to excuse himself to gain self control LET HIM. Never attempt to force a man to deal with an issue
• When a woman follows a man into the cave it is because he has a track record of returning from the cave with the issue still in a box. In order for a man to be respected to retreat to the cave he must have a track record of returning to the situation ready for dialogue for resolution and the creating an action plan.
• The woman's fear is increased while he is in the cave because she is still dealing with the issue.

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A silent man gives place to the enemy to work in the woman's life

• Adam was silent when Eve ate the fruit

Allow your spouse to disagree with you. It is better to hear criticism from your spouse than an outside party.

It is never good enough for anyone to say I GOT THIS. There must be an action plan on how resolution will be reached. This will help the woman respect the man and the man love the woman.

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I Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with [them] according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.



Analogy: If men and women are boats, her boat is the weaker vessel. This mean she is not created to carry (physically, emotionally, etc) as big a load as her male counterpart.

When a woman becomes afraid an issue will not be resolved, she attempts to take control. If her vessel is not meant to carry the load, it will affect her emotionally, sexually, and physically. She will stay sick and always in pain (because her boat is not meant to carry such a load).

Philippians 4:8 - Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things [are] honest, whatsoever things [are] just, whatsoever things [are] pure, whatsoever things [are] lovely, whatsoever things [are] of good report; if [there be] any virtue, and if [there be] any praise, think on these things.


When issues arise and there is a disagreement, the man and woman should think on any positive attributes related to their spouse. They must find at least one honest, just, pure, lovely, good report, virtue, or anything worthy of praising them prior to going to discuss a situation. This will keep them in the right frame of man during the conversation.